As the years passed I have learnt so many things that I would like to share with you all

http://www.frontiernet.net:80/~jimdandy/specials/life/life.htm

 for those who have no interest in tyroid problems look away now.

i can't believe how better I have started to feel and for all you who have had thyroid problems or know someone who has. you will understand how bad it gets.

anyhow just a short up date on my latest trip to the doc

The following questions were set in a GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does "varicose" mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section"
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word "benign" mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Again These are comments that you would love!! to hear.!!

 "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
 I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,  you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross  over to the Westbound and go in the opposite  direction."
 "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
  "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad  news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and  East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our  destination."
 
  "Ladies and gentlemen, we  apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station  and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take  our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
 
"We  are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street  is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I  could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like  that".
  "Beggars are operating on this train.  Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to  me."
 
 During an extremely hot rush hour on the  Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right  this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are  not provided."
 
 "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines,  see if I care - I'm going home...."
 
"Please  allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
 
 "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It  does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the  doors."
  "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
 
 "To  the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second  carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you  understand?"
 
  "Please move all baggage away  from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
 Move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal Message to the man in  the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of The train: Put the pie  down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs Away from the door  before I come down there and shove them up your arse  Sideways!"
 
 "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage." 

These are comments that you would love!! to hear.

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
.
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
.
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
.
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
.
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

.
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
.
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."  
.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
.
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
.
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
.
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"...:
.
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
.
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
.
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."...
.
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"
.
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
.
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."
.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!".....

Continuing on the theme of the British language who thought spelling was important???

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd

waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the

hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde

Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres

 in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the

frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset

can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit

a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos

not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

 Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was

 ipmorantt!

I will have all my results soon and I think it will be good news

In the mean time I have been thinking about our wonderful language it is so easy to learn and understand!!!! 

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce  produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 
I did not object to the object.  
The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row    
They were too close to the door to close it.   
The buck does funny things when the does are present.  
 A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.  
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.   
The wind was too strong to wind the sail   
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.   
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.   
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?    ---
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

---
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?  At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it  UP  to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends.  And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warmUP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.   At other times the little word has very special meaning.  People stir UP trouble, lineUP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.  In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so........... it is time to shut UP.....!