Near perraporth cornwall

All my worries just take a back seat to this guy!!!

Randy Pausch Your my hero

By the way HARDON road is in wolverhampton off dimmock street near the A4123

Are the residents called Fuckers?

What are the mothers called?

What would you be learning at the Fucking High School? 

Does the Fucking Hospital help you with anything else?

If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your Fucking friend. 

And so many more come to mind

We now have very good evidence that English tourists are obsessed with Fucking.

Furthermore, it appears that English newspapers cannot tell the difference between Germans and Austrians.

See below for details.

It's even funnier than the sign

So!! where are we going to go next!!!!

You could not make it up could you

Catzcradles dad wrote some jokes about the old bill..which were great by the way and i recounted an incident that happend to me regarding police v Public. he said i should share it with you all so here ya go

I remember once getting behind a well known black footballer who was driving his range rover; he has a female in the passenger seat. I followed this vehicle into a petrol station and got out and started to walk over to the range rover....before I knew it, this very well known chap is out of his vehicle briskly walking towards me and dialling on his mobile..." What the F%$K have you stopped me for? "you see a N&^%$*£R (sic) In a flash motor and you think he’s scum"...(talks into mobile loudly for all to hear)..."John...The F*&^%^&G old bill have pulled me again...eh!...oh hang on"...he looks at me..." I want your F^&%$G name sunshine cause your gonna be in the shit"...I’ll have your job...
"Jack frost" say I....."You Taking the Piss"..(Talks to phone)..John!! John!! Did you hear that he's taking the piss now"....he then reads my shoulder number and shouts it down the phone.
Meanwhile a few people have gathered around most recognising the celebrity.....I turned to him and said. Have you finished sir!!"....finished f*&^%^$G Finished It's you that is F*&^%$%^&^G Finished!!!!"....
Come on then tell me why you are harassing N*&^%^&%S (Sic).
He then gestures to the now somewhat growing crowd .."come on then why did you pull me ..lights not working???? Cars the wrong colour like me..eh!!???"...COME ON TELL US"

I then slowly raised my arm and pointed to the passenger side door and said.." I noticed that the ladies dress had got caught in the door and was dragging on the road and I didn’t want her to ruin her dress.....to which he looks ..as does the crowd and there is the bottom of her long dress sticking out about a foot from the bottom of the door onto the road....
"Goodnight sir" says I...and walks back to my car to the sound of the crowd sniggering hysterically!! and drive off

Evening all!!

A SQUIRRELS TALE....

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out
in the cold.

THE END

---------------------------------------------------

THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are
cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm
home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that
in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer
so, while others have plenty.

The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the
squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting
Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We
Shall Overcome".

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that
the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and
increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts
the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to
the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.

He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers
as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for
contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid
to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the
more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his
newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a
temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to
Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On
arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of
dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of
hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the
police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to then return them to their own country were
abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The
cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last
of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the
council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is
blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their
treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released
immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and
supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched
robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000
and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug
rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing
asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of
the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root
causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic
experience in prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights
were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the
bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional
percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay
for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65
because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

SPECIAL MENTIONS

3RD PLACE

SECOND PLACE  (Helmet wrong way)

THE WINNER

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What colour is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.
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ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) >From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

Pass this on to some brilliant friends - so they may feel useless too.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'