A Laugh and a Smile

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.

The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in
some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

the single girl

Sipping her drink, leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end
of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on
was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused
that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman

giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.

He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move
up our wedding date!

The married woman

She put her glass down and said,
'I did a lot of planning..I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a longscented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

An attractive blonde arrived at the Casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down,

rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped
up and down and squealed...
'YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men.

Before I joined I had no real idea how other people lived but my eyes became wide open in disbelief at some of the homes I have been in. I have reported burglaries where the victims own a dog and there is dog crap all around the house some fresh some dried…how people can love like that I don’t know.
One old ladies house was full and I mean full of ornaments.There was just a path to the sitting room where she had a armchair and a table with a TV in on it, and then a path to the kitchen, again there was access only to the cooker and a couple of draws and a cupboard.
The house was full from floor to ceiling with ornaments sat neatly on different styled shelves and glass stands, I was so nervous reporting her matter my colleague had to stay out of the house as he was 6’7;; and would have demolished half the displays being the nimble chap he was.
But she was happy , and as is often the case had no friends or relatives, apart fro a son who had not been around to see her for 3 years,

But one call came in from the ambulance service to assist with a patient. I arrived with another officer and the ambulance crew were stood outside the flat and they had masks on, “Hi says I”, what’s Up”.. “we cant get the woman to come out or even move onto the stretcher”, and to be frank we cant make her and we have no intention of hanging around in there” I look at them a bit puzzled as this was not a police job, I went in the door and it is quite hard to describe the scene.

Imagine first a flat devoid of carpets or furniture, the only things in the flat was a kitchen sink and cupboard and in one bedroom a single bed with three mattresses on it. Lying on the bed was an African female who looked to be about 25 stone, she was dressed in what I can only describe as potato sacks, the smell in the flat was worse than anything I have smelt before and that includes decomposing bodies.

I forgot to mention that the floor.…in every room there were no carpets and every part of the floor was covered in shit…I presumed human shit…not in piles but spread out like someone had used a plasterers spreader smoothed out like some bizarre giant chocolate birthday cake! the shite was about half an inch to an inch deep. Smoothed off carefully right into the corners, and level all over. There was just a path from the front door to the bedroom and kitchen.

All over the shite was thousands of bits of orange peel some black some still orange all over the flat very surreal

Now back to the lady. She was laying on the bed and I could see the mattresses were infested with lice and fleas you could see them jumping all over her.

My colleague Helen spoke to her and said that she should come to the ambulance and go to hospital to get sorted out…” I am not going nowhere you can’t make me”
“ I asked her if she had a friend or any family. She said “ I have no one and no one has me”
We went back to the Ambulance and Helen said to them “The end of the day if she does not want to go with you we cant make her, we will have to get the social up here and go from there”… “Just one other thing you should know guy’s” “ She is Pregnant said the ambulance guy…”in fact I would say she is full term and about to have it”. “Aw Shit said I””.

So what to do,… you have a 25 stone woman covered in vermin and crap who is about to have a baby and refuses to co operate. They never mentioned this one at Hendon.

Being a probationer I did what all good probationers do…spoke into my radio..” lima delta from 413 receiving” Lima delta go ahead”. Can you send the sergeant down to my location!.. “Received” came the reply.

Shortly we are joined by our section sergeant he had about 25 years service he will know what to do. I briefly explain and he goes in and then swiftly out again and says…”F*&$ng hell”. He pondered and then got someone to bring down some protective suits and gloves and masks, we were joined by an old PC who was fascinated by the goings on, he was an old beat bobby who had been the local cop for years.
We all got into white paper suits and the plan was to lift her onto the stretcher and that would be job done we had the power to do so as technically she could be nicked for criminal damage to the council flat and that gave us power to use force and then at hospital we would de arrest her and let the hospital and social services sort it out.
Well after about 3 minutes of trying to get her onto the stretcher without throwing up we gave up, she did not resist but just lay there like a dead weight.
We were in a rock and a hard place …Brian the old beat cop said “Sarge let me have a chat to her.” Be my guest says the sergeant”. Brian goes in and I stand near the door whist he speaks to her.

Well Brian was an avid crystal Palace fan and he stands there and starts yapping on about what sort of season they are having, talking about player stats and describing goals and set plays. He was incessant and speaking non stop. Well after about 5 minutes the woman rolled into a sitting position and stood up saying For god sake shut the F%$K up” she then walked out of the flat followed by Brian who was still rambling on. She got straight into the ambulance and was taken off to hospital where the baby girl was born 2 hours later and taken into care,

A specialist cleaning team had to clean the flat and the other residents either side had to be re-housed the ambulance had to be taken out of service and the A&E department cubicle was shut off for special cleaning,

Many questions come from this. How was she left to get like this who was responsible for her had she been seen by the social services had the neighbours not reported the smell.

It struck me that in a modern society people can live an almost invisible life and not be noticed by anyone until it is far to late.

What happened to the woman ??? she died of a heart attack 7 days later whist getting into a bath….no-one came forward and claimed the body and enquiries could not find anyone who knew her…The flat had been sub let 3 times by the original tenant , and there was no trace of her ever coming into the country, the babies father was never traced.

Someones In BIG Trouble

The Missing Link

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5,

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

Ron Mueck is an Australian hyperrealist sculptor working in Great Britain. Mueck's early career was as a model maker and puppeteer for children's television and films, notably the film "Labyrinth" for which he also contributed the voice of Ludo.Mueck moved on to establish his own company in London, making photo-realistic props and animatronics for the advertising industry. Although highly detailed, these props were usually designed to be photographed from one specific angle hiding the mess of construction seen from the other side. Mueck increasingly wanted to produce realistic sculptures which looked perfect from all angles. 

On Mike's wedding day, his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems. 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large, they don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here - you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will!'

Spanish artist Juan Francisco Casas creates his large artworks using just a blue ballpoint pen

LINK

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...(lol!)
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?-- i like this one.. hmmm
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed! -- hahahaa!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? -- scaring tactics?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is this mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? -- OMG! hilarious..
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction? -- lol! say this and be ready for a battle..
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? -- this had me laughing out loud..
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! -- same as #61..
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'.
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all
could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tele this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is
to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished
and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a
pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res
of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu feely ar in ned ov innr pece

The driver was attempting to throw a chain over the logs to secure them & as you can see, hooked the 7.2 kv primary power line instead!
He said the tires began to fry within seconds…..very lucky man.…he could easily have been fried himself!

• This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. - (Kelly age 6)

• Oysters' balls are called pearls. - (James age 6)

• If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. - (Wayne age 7)

• I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. - (Kylie age 6)

• A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head.- (Billy age 8)

• My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. -
(Millie age 6)

• When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. - (William age 7)

• I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? - (Helen age 6)

• I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. - (Amy age 6)

• Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers - (Christopher age 7)

• My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish - (Laura age 5)

• When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. -
(Kevin age 6)

• When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. - (Lauren age 7)

• A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside.
(Emma age 5)

• When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. -
(Valerie age 6)

• Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. - (Becky age 8)

• On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. - (Julie age 6)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,

then he gets up and goes into the bathroom .

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife 'Listen, this guy's an

escaped convict look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail

and hasn't seen a woman in years . I saw how he kissed your neck. If he

wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy

him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very

dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you!'

To which the wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering

in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had

any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love

you too!'

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you , I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - £400

New shirt - £36

New underwear - £6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

One of the most holy sites in Bhutan, the Guru is said to have flown here on the back of a tigeress and then meditated in a cave, contained within the present structure, for three months.

Special permission is required for non-Bhutanese to visit the monastery, usually granted only to practicing Buddhists on a religous retreat.

What happend to the Baby Boomers

Click
 HERE

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14 and crayfish have 200.

There are 60,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body.

The call of the humpback whale is louder than Concorde and can be heard from 500 miles away.

A quarter of the world's plants are threatened with extinction by the year 2010.

Each person sheds 40lbs of skin in his or her lifetime.

The largest galaxies contain up to 400 billion stars.

The Universe contains over 100 billion galaxies.

More germs are transferred shaking hands than kissing.

The fastest speed a falling raindrop can hit you is 18mph.

A thimbleful of a neutron star would weigh over 100 million tons.

The mortality rate if bitten by a Black Mamba snake is over 95%.

In the 14th century the Black Death killed 75,000,000 people. It was carried by fleas on the black rat.

If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill an Olympic sized swimming pool.

Tuberculosis is the biggest global killer of women.

Some species of bamboo grow at a rate of 3ft per day.

Saturn would float if you could find an ocean big enough.

A pinhead-sized piece of a neutron star weighs 1 million tons.

A neutron star is 15 miles across and weighs more than the Sun.

There are over 100 billion stars in our Milky Way Galaxy.

A human heart beats 100,000 times a day.

Every heartbeat pumps 1/15th of a pint of blood.

The first bicycle was manufactured in 1817.

We share 98.4% of our DNA with a chimp - and 70% with a slug.

Men who ride a bike for ten hours a week are four times as likely to be impotent as non-bike riders say US scientists.

The earliest human tools have been dated at 2.7 million years old.

One third of all adults experience difficulty distinguishing left from right.

Apart from humans the only land animal that cries is the elephant.

On average women say 7,000 words per day. Men manage just over 2000.

There are 1600 calories in a pint of Hippopotamus milk.

97.2% of the Earth's water is salt water.

The oceans contain enough salt to cover all the continents to a depth of nearly 500 feet.

The speed of light, Warp Factor 1 on Star Enterprise is a mind boggling 670,610,000 miles per hour.

The interstellar gas cloud Sagittarius B contains a billion, billion, billion liters of alcohol.

Alcohol lowers the level of the sex hormone testosterone in men but increases it in women.

70% of the molecular structure in a tree is also human.

The first spectacles were invented in 1280.

Polar Bears cannot be detected by infrared cameras, due to their transparent fur.

The biggest star has a diameter of 1800 million miles, making it 2000 times bigger than the Sun.

4,800 years ago the ancient Egyptians worked out that there were 365 days in a year.

What looks like an upside-down rainbow is actually a rare atmospheric spectacle called a circumzenithal arc.  “t’s an unusual phenomenon caused by sunlight shining through a thin, invisible screen of tiny ice crystals high in the sky and has nothing at all to do with the rain.”

Feel free to be scientifically correct, but I’ll stick with calling it an “upside-down rainbow” … “circumzenithal arc” just doesn’t  sound as good

Protest Marches!!.

I forget how many times I have policed marches and had always the same theme…have a go at the old bill!!!…now a lot of the marches I actually agreed with. It is right that people should exercise their democratic right to protest. It the hypocrites I cant abide…

for instance whilst policing a animal rights march I was walking along with the crowd getting to know my section of the group. But as always the protesters seemed to get satisfaction in thrusting their banners of decomposing dogs and suffering creatures in my direction as though I owned the companies and sold them the animals …

Fair enough they have to vent at someone and I am the nearest face of government they can vent at. However as I said I hate hypocrites and it annoys me when I hear them…..

We had stopped near parliament and as ever some of the protesters were getting angry. You know, the ones that ruin the march for everyone and take away public support.

“Ear you!, you ought to be ashamed of yourself”…this man with about 5 groupies was talking to me….

"Hows that then Sir"? I replied…(there are so many ways to say the word sir)

"You are the Fucking face of fascism you have the blood of all the dead animals on your hands”…his venting had attracted a bit of a crowd and they were paying close attention…probably expecting me to bully and threaten the poor innocent protester.

Aware that he had an audience he continued …"you scar faced wanker, go on, tell all these people why you protect the bastards who bring suffering to so many animals…." the crowd were quite, I have no doubt that they are now expecting me to arrest him for his tirade of insults, which is of course is what he wants, it is part of a plan that some have to up the tension of the march.

“Well sir It is my job to protect you and your friends". I have a duty to look after people like you who have a democratic right to support animal cruelty"

(He thought for about 15 seconds).

”What are you talking about protect me and my friends”, we don’t support animal cruelty
”

“Well sir you and your friends support cruelty to animals and I am here to allow you to walk about freely”

Some of the crowd are now looking puzzled and taking a close interest in our exchange… and the bloke is looking well confused.

“Ear wot you saying, I hate animal cruelty why do ya think I'm Ear” a rumble of support goes around with a few shouts of “fascist pig”

“Well I noticed during the march that you and your friends are smokers, in fact you have one lit up now…and as the tobacco industry is a supporter of vivisection and has carried out loads of experiments on animals..You my friend are supporting them by buying their products..so you support animal cruelty every time you light up.If you actually cared for the animals you would never by the product of the vivisectionists, after all you would not buy shampoo that had been tested on animals would yo??.”!!..

He looked at me and I could see coming to his lips an intellectual comeback…

”Bollocks”…someone from the crowd chipped in “ He has a good point” someone else shouted “shame on you, put out your fag”.. A murmur goes around and I see a few of the crowd covertly drop their cigarettes and crush them underfoot. The bloke looks at me and opens his mouth like a gold fish…but nothing comes out...my comments have also started fierce debate between smokers and non smokers. The bloke has now moved of into the crowd and just as he is swallowed up by the crowd he turns and gives me the “V” sign…..

I smiled, as for me it was a the sign of a small victory..

Amazing runways

You probably found out about the birds and the bees analogy, but this is far more interesting and unusual than those stories. You might be surprised to find out some of the following mating facts and oddities concerning members of the wild kingdom. These practices of animals are almost as varied as our own. Here are the most amazing facts and records in the wilderness when it comes to mating:

10. Indian cobras have one of the toughest battles to wage. They fight, fling at each other, the male trying to place its body next to the female’s. Furthermore, for an hour they even strike at each other. The battle is won after the female puts its head on the ground, to sign submission, time for the male to bring one of his 2 penises into contact with her reproductive organ. This can take anywhere from 2 minutes to 24 hours.

9. The phrase “Don’t let the bedbugs bite!” get a whole different meaning when it comes to mating. The bug make bug pierces a hole in the female’s back to place his sperm. The eggs are rapidly fertilized and the embryos which are born alive.

8. Even though they are one of the largest animals on earth, elephants are one of the gentlest creatures when it comes to mating. At an interval or 3 to 6 months, elephants start looking for a mate. Once this has been found, the round of flirting begins, the male offering the female food or squirts of water. After a month or so, the female eventually gives in and the actual mating can begin.

7. Bisexuality is not that uncommon in the animal kingdom. However, this piece of information beats the first one. A male wrasse (or the Cleaner fish) dominates a group of females but after sometime leaves them. In a group of 6-8 cleaner wrasses there is but one male, the rest are females or juveniles. Out of the remaining females, the most dominant will change sex within a few hours.

6. Scientists have come across creatures that have both male and female reproductive organs. But a class of crustacean, Tanais, has three sexes. Furthermore, a single-celled organism called Paramecium amelia is the record holder for the most number, having eight different sexes. Bisexuality may double the changes of finding a partner but with octosexuality you are bound to find one.

5. Talking about painful rituals, many animals bite each other during mating. A breed of fly scientifically called Serromyia femorata takes a position that resembles kissing and, at the end, the female fly drains out the body content of the male through the mouth. Similarly, the praying mantis begins to devour the male’s head during mating. No worries, he can finish the copulation without it.

4. Another record holder on this subject is the tapeworm. This species has the most sexual organs of any living being, each segment of its body containing a complete set of sexual organs, both male and female. Each segment mates with itself and grows eggs, the worm copulating with itself. The largest tapeworm discovered was over 70 meters in length (230 ft.), had over 11,000 segments or over 22,000 individual sexual organs.

3. The male tick has a big disadvantage but found its way to get around. Lacking a penis, the tick uses his nose to sniff out the females vagina. Once he has enough room, he turns around and deposits his semen. And, to top it off, he then turns around and uses his nose again to push it inside.

2. If you though “going at it like rabbits” was a lot to handle, think again. The rabbits don’t come close to the capabilities of the desert rat. The desert rat can have sex up to 120 times an hour.

1. Perhaps the most amazing fact about animal mating is the size of the sex parts. The record for the largest testes in the animal kingdom is the northern right whale (Eubalaena glacialis), with a pair that can reach up to 2,200 lbs. Whales also hold the record for having the largest penis in the animal kingdom, up to 10 feet long, with a diameter of up to one foot.

10. Explicit discussions of either topic is a faux pas at most cocktail parties.
9. Historically, men have been in control, but there are now efforts to get women more involved.
8. There are many joint results.
7. Both are prominent in university grounds, and are usually practiced indoors.
6. Most people wish they knew more about both subjects.
5. Both involve long and hard problems and can produce interesting topology and geometry.
4. Both merit undivided attention, but mathematicians are prone to think about one while doing the other.
3. Saint Augustine was hostile to both, and Alan Turing took an unusual approach to both.
2. Both typically begin with a lot of hard work and end with a great but brief reward.
1. Professionals are generally viewed with suspicion, and most do not earn high pay.

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling; take celibacy for example.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He firstly addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Innocently, Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

"When money speaks, the truth keeps silent."
~ Russian proverb ~

"If you want to know what a man is really like, take notice how he acts when he loses money."
~ New England proverb ~

"Only when the last tree has died,
The last river has been poisoned,
The last fish has been caught,
Will we realize that money cannot be eaten."
~ Cree proverb ~

Many criticisms of the police are made regarding over the length of time it takes to identify a body and return them back to there loved ones. I can understand the frustration and as a body recovery officer I know the importance of getting the right person to the right family.
Now I know that when I mention body recovery people have an image that the police officers form a line and then go along slowly putting the body parts into a bin liner and then sorting it out later…..this is not the case I cant go into operational matters but I can assure you that the recovery of body parts is meticulously done and every fragment is recorded separately.

On 7/7 bombings the coroner declared that any body fragment bigger than 1 cm would be declared a body part and would be recovered as such.. and we did,… we recovered every last body item and the relatives can be assured that we went to great pains to ensure every bit of their loved ones was returned to them….sorry if it sounds gory but it is important to the relatives that this is done.

Also what seems a simple identification can be anything but. I have witnessed a mother identify her son and when we showed her the body she broke down saying “thank god it isn’t him”…it was but she would not confirm it and she never did accept it …she even refused to go to his funeral stating that it was not him….also in cases where there is nothing to identify police will get DNA from the parent. as is often the case the husband will volunteer to save his wife the pain and to shield her from the id procedure…we have to be very subtle and tell the husband that we would have a better chance with his wife’s DNA and other persuasions…the thing is, sadly dad is often not the Dad ..Disasters have shown this to be a common factor and have caused a delay in identification.

At Lockerbie the Pan Am Bombing one girl was Identified and sent to Canada another to Germany…they were the wrong bodies. they were identified by dental x rays. Who would have thought that both girls could have had identical dental work the same fillings and the same size shape teeth?
In disasters the trauma does very strange things people can look like a black person when in fact they are white…

Identification is important and needs to be right..If it is wrong then it will cause so much more suffering to the relatives..

Other times the police try to do what’s right.

After a woman’s son had been identified she asked for the clothing to be returned. the clothes had been in an awful state as the body of her son had decomposed and the blood stains and mess were awful…the officers washed the clothed and dried they returned them to the mother …when she opened the bag, she sank to her knees crying she turned to the officer and shouted “ YOU BASTARDS”

..What’s wrong asked the police officer!!??

“All his life it was me that washed his clothes how dare you take that final job away from me”..

A few minutes before the church services started,
the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from the evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you
know who I am?"

The man replied, "'Yep, sure do.""Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one
word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man,
in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound,
horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't
you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to
your sister for 48 years."

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!

Jennifer asked her father's new wife to exchange it, but she refused.

Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm
wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. 'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'

A few days later,they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear.

I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'

NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?

For many months, in the worst of circumstances, she had come to the fence and given me hope.
Now that I'd found her again, I could never let her go.

That day, she said yes. And I kept my word.
After nearly 50 years of marriage, two children and three grandchildren, I have never let her go.

Herman Rosenblat of Miami Beach, Florida

This story is being made into a movie called The Fence.

http://www.atlanticoverseaspictures.com/release1108.html

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
___________________ ___________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

I am away for a few days working so i will see you next weekend dont let the bastards grind you down

Adolf Hitler

Fidel Castro

Chairman Mao

Che Guevara

Mahatma Gandhi

Jacques Chirac

Kim Jong-il

leader of North Korea. He is the Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Commander of the Korean People's Army, and General Secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea (the ruling party since 1948).

Nelson Mandela

Vladimir Putin

Ronald Reagan

Saddam Hussein

Joseph Stalin

Winston Churchill

Yasser Arafat

Tony Blair

George W. Bush

I received this invite ..I'm gonna be Rich
 
Woo-hoo!

I would like you to join my personal blog community.
My username at blog.co.uk is: nicepeter

Just click on the link below to accept the invitation:
Invitation

My personal message to you:
---

Banco De Cabo Verde
AV Amilcar Cabral-Plateau-Praia-Santiago
Cabo Verde Island.
www.bcv

Dear

I am Dr. Carlos Augusto de Burgo,the governor of (B.C.A) banco de cabo verde island in West AFRICA, we have a client who has an account with us in banco de cabo verde island it\'s unfortunate that Mrs Nina Wang kung passed away on the 3rd of april 2007, check this link below.

***
Mrs Nina Wang has the sum of twenty three million U.S Dollars ($23, 000000.00) which she deposited in our banco de cabo Verde, I hereby wish to inform you that I will be retired soon as the governor of banco de cabo Verde, Dear I will like to work with you to transfer this money into your account this is my opportunity to pull this money out from banco de cabo Verde, before i will be retirement. I will offer you 20% of this money after the transaction.

I except your soonest reply.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Carlos Augusto de Burgo
BCV

Email**

Legends of "Kliluk, the Spotted Lake" are woven into the Native Indian heritage of the Okanagan Valley.  The Indians soaked away aches and ailments in the healing mud and waters.  One story cites a truce in a battle to allow both warring tribes to tend to their wounded in the Spotted Lake, "Kliluk".  Spotted Lake is visible from the road, 8.8 kms (5.5 miles) west of Osoyoos on Hwy. 3 ....a rare and unique natural phenomenon covering 15.2 hectares (38 acres). It contains one of the worlds highest concentrations of minerals: magnesium sulphate (Epsom salts), calcium and sodium sulphates, plus eight other minerals and traces of four more, including silver and titanium.  The therapeutic value of Spotted Lake has always proved interesting, however other uses were found for the minerals.  During WWI, Chinese labourers were employed skimming the salts from the surface of the lake.  The product was then shipped to Eastern American munitions factories. Yield is said to have reached a ton per day. In the hot sun of summer, the water of Spotted Lake evaporates and crystallizes the minerals, forming many white-rimmed circles: shallow pools that reflect the mineral content of the water in shades of blues and greens. 

Chewing gum Art

100% gum On Plywood

The British Photgrapher Carl Warner created a series of landscape images utilizing basic food ingredients found in a typical Kitchen. "foodscapes"  (made up of the words Food and Landscapes) show scenes including, Caverns, Submarines, Forests, Beaches etc. using fruits, Legumes, Cheeses, Pastas, Breads among others.

Surveillance Is a necessary part of policing and it is good to see that the TV depict it so badly. It would be awful if they showed the criminals how we really did it.
I was involved in surveillance and indeed was a surveillance instructor on my unit we would do surveillance duties every 16 weeks for 6 weeks.

We would have certain targets prepared and at the start of the posting we would check our equipment and cars and then attend the briefing for the first job

"Right then" said Chris "the target today is a known burglar and we believe he is quite busy, we are not gonna get this guy in the act, but he is known to flog the stuff himself. So we are gonna see what he does and what he sells".

We go through the pictures and the vehicles he drives all the necessary intelligence is passed on and then tasks are given out.. I am on foot and would deploy should he walk around anywhere some one else is tasked to get a view of his house and to give us all a heads up as to when he leaves his house, this can mean hours of waiting and the location that they were gonna watch from was a bastard.

We are all in position and someone is watching the front door we are around the area paired up waiting and trying not to show out.

Contact, contact, contact, Crackles out over the radio.. He is into his car and off….we follow him and if its ok with you I wont go into the ins and outs of how we do this.. and no it does not consist of any type of bugging or electrical devices just good old fashioned coppering, surveillance style.

He is driving down towards Peckham and he stops by a café and goes in…someone goes with him and we find out he has met with another man …after a cup of tea they get in the car and drive to a lock up and load what is believed to be computers into the boot, they then drive off.

They park up and take a computer from the boot. I am out on foot and am now watching them, I and others follow them to a second hand shop. I am into the shop before them as I have anticipated what they were going to do and when they come in I am in a corner looking at some computer stuff.

They try to sell the computer but no joy. And they leave and go back to the car.

The reason we have not nicked them is if we go to soon we won’t get the evidence. And of course there is a slim chance the computer is legit…I said slim…stop laughing.

They drive off and they stop after a short time again I have spotted the second hand shop before they get there and am in like flin and waiting.

They again try to sell the computer and are talking to the shop keeper…” excuser me mate”…"Excuse me” I have to look and the bloke is looking at me "could you help a second mate" he says looking right at me. I go over and the bloke asks me about the expansion slot capacity, I give him a load of bullshit and as I do I see written on the top of the computer is property of St **** school. I held back a smile the shop keeper declined to buy it and they left. I passed on the info to the rest and some checks were done and the school had been burgled 3 nights ago of 10 computers. Mums had sold cakes and held tombola’s kids had done sponsored walks and bake sales..people in the community had all helped to get a IT unit at the school; and the money raised had gone towards the computers. This bastard took it away in one night.

We followed him until he and his chum went back to the lock up and when they went in we went in screaming and shouting scaring the shit out of them.. the computers were all there and some stuff from another school. They were taken in and I was one of the officers who interviewed our man..

After the usual procedure we questioned him about the lock up …he had no idea about the surveillance…he claimed that he had bought the computer in his car from a bloke who had walked into a second hand shop and the bloke he bought it off had told him that the monitor was in a garage in Peckham. He paid the bloke, but the bloke was busy so he gave him the keys to the lock up so that he could get the monitor..(Trusting bloke). Who was the person that he bought the computer off then…”dunno it was today in * second hand shop”.

“Can you describe him”? “Yeah, he was about six two, short hair and glasses , he had a blue shirt on and oh yes and he had a scar on his face just like yours”…….his eyes widened and the penny dropped..

It's Subs and her sisters pet cat and Grandad!