A Laugh and a Smile

Muschi (German for cat) is a black homeless cat of three kilo, Mauschen (German for mice) a black collar bear of two hundred kilo. are one of the weirdest animal couples we’ve ever seen. The cat, a female moggi, and the Asian black bear, live, sleep and play together at Berlin’s Zoo.

The two met seven years ago, when the cat entered the bear’s cave and started eating its food. Visitors are puzzled yet fascinated by the odd friendship. No one knows how this exactly happened - maybe the bear it’s lonely or perhaps it’s love.

 

Zoo Caretaker Thomas Dvrflein said: “Muschi entered the enclosure of Mausi nearly seven years ago and started to eat the food in the enclosure. “She was accepted straight away and they have been inseparable ever since, sharing food, cuddling and spending their days together.”

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON SATURDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE, BUT I'M JUST POSTING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff , a husband and wife were staring at a
picture that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting
on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the
middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society?.

After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about??

Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery asked the couple.

Because Im the bloke who painted the picture, replied the Welshman.

In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They are just three
Welsh coal miners.

The guy in the middle went home for lunch.?

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young & looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible
bags ! under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee

This is an amazing elephant story.  Sometimes these "heart-warming" stories are a bit too sappy for me, but this one is truly interesting.

In 1986, Mike Walsh was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully.  He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.  The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Tommy were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.  The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.  The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and slammed him against the railing several times, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen ElizabethII
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
 
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
 
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
 
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1 . The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,''favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2 . Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as '' like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U . S . English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3 . July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5 . Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6 . All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7 . The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8 . You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9 . The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
 ---------------------
 1 0 . Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
1 1 . You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
1 2 . Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
1 3 . You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
1 4 . An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
1 5 . Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) (preferably Devonshire clotted cream ) when in season.
God Save the Queen!

The film is scheduled to be released on May 8, 2009 in North America and the United Kingdom.

Development of the film began in 2005 when Paramount Pictures contacted Abrams, Orci and Kurtzman for ideas to revive the franchise. The creative team contrasted Orci and Lindelof, who consider themselves "Trekkies", with casual fans like Abrams, who all aimed to create a film that would interest a general audience. They wanted to be faithful to Star Trek canon, but also introduced elements of their favorite novels, modified continuity with the time travel storyline, and modernized the production design of the original show. Filming took place from November 2007 to April 2008 under intense secrecy. Midway through the shoot, Paramount chose to delay the release date from December 25, 2008 to May 2009, arguing the film would perform better in the summer.

you can find out more HERE

Just another night duty. I and my partner are posted foot patrol around “D” sector not looking forward to it as it is a cold and windy night but hey you never know what is going to happen, we deal with the calls near to us a mixture of domestics and criminal damage incidents …

we then walk up the road behind the Brixton academy and my partner checks on the side door…its open …well its 2,o,clock in the morning and it should be shut up for the night ..we look at each other and we tell the control room that we are going to check it out. the adrenalin is starting to run through my blood …is it burglars or just kids mucking around…

We go in and work our way into the auditorium…and I can see some figures on the stage…I breath a sigh of relief and go in the group see us and stop ..” hello” says one of them…we explain why we are there and in turn they tell us that they are rehearsing for a gig that they are doing the next night…the lead singer asks us if we would listen to one of the songs and give them our opinion of how it sounds in the auditorium…I recognised it, a song they had a hit with in 1984 ..

So we stand there and they set themselves up …it sounds good and half way through they stop and ask us what we think… Great I say….” Could do with some backing says my partner…I look at her and think to myself since when have you been and expert…she goes on to say that they should have more backing on the chorus!!...they have a discussion and invite us to join in…I am just about to decline when she is up onto the stage..as for me well I follow, don’t ask me why!!...they start again and there we are amongst the group and as the chorus starts there is two uniform coppers singing away into a microphone “Take on me” ..La la la la “.take on me” la la la …I am quite enjoying myself when I look down and at the door I see my section sergeant staring at us mouth wide open…the song finishes and I nudge my partner and she sees him…the group is laughing and patting us on the back…the lead singer tells us what a good job we did would we be able to sing at the gig in uniform, as it would be a giggle, we hastily decline as I don’t think the commissioner would be well pleased... We shake hands and they slip us a couple of tickets to the gig..

We join the sergeant and go outside..He looks at us and his mouth opens and closes but nothing comes out…. He turns and walks off… I swear I heard him chuckling!!!...the rest of the night is quite routine and we are humming the song between us all night …I gave her the ticket so that she could take her fella to the gig…still it was fun ..For some days after the others on the team would see us and hum A ha tracks !!...wore thin after awhile but it was fun..

Remind me to tell you about "Take that" asking me if they could join our Christmas party!!

Dear Mr. Minister

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and Knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my Health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn Passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded If that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

S**T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really p*ed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullst! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fcukin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals aholes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for st sakes. I just want to go and park my a on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a st whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fcukin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fcukin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some a**hole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!

(fcukin' morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally p***ed off!

Signed - An Irate fcuking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fcuking CHINA !!!

Hamilton , Ontario Canada

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Well, something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - Better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an Inch.'

The man perks up at this.

'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting a new kitchen.

 

The Eiffel Tower, built in commemoration of the French Revolution, was the tallest building in the world when it was unveiled at the Paris World's Fair in 1889. Although it has been surpassed in height by nearly a dozen skyscrapers since then, Alexandre-Gustave Eiffel's chocolate-brown, 984-foot open-lattice wrought-iron tower remains one of the world's premiere tourist attractions.

 

Before the Tower's construction, critics called Eiffel's design an eyesore and predicted that the Tower would cost too much to build. Eiffel knew better. His crew assembled the 18,000 pieces of iron in just 21 months, under budget and in time for the fair's opening day. With the completion of the Tower, Eiffel earned the nickname "magician of iron."

Eiffel was one of the first engineers to recognize the importance of wind forces on tall structures. He designed the surface of his Tower to be so minimal that the wind has virtually nothing to grab onto. All pieces of the Tower form an open lattice of light trusses through which the wind can blow.

The Eiffel Tower was one of the first tall structures in the world to contain passenger elevators, and tourists loved them. Elevator ticket sales in the Eiffel Tower regained almost the entire cost of the structure -- in just one year!

 

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would addess him as Wanky-Nobby.
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks, or - leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-
Han Solo

"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then cts! Fight the fing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:

"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"

Princess Leia

"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"

Admiral Motti

Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"
Obi Wan

I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"

Luke to the Emperor

"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"

P.S The bear was rescued (See HERE)

 

The Crazy Horse Memorial is a mountain monument in the Black Hills of South Dakota, in the form of Crazy Horse, an Oglala Lakota warrior, riding a horse and pointing into the distance.

The memorial consists of the mountain carving (monument), the Indian Museum of North America, and the Native American Cultural center. The monument is being carved out of Thunderhead Mountain on land considered sacred by some Native Americans, between Custer and Hill City, roughly 8 miles (13 km) away from Mount Rushmore.

The sculpture's final dimensions are planned to be 641 feet (195 m) wide and 563 feet (172 m) high. The head of Crazy Horse will be 87 feet (27 m) high; by comparison, the heads of the four U.S. Presidents at Mt. Rushmore are each 60 feet (18 m) high.

The monument has been in progress since 1948 and is still far from completion. If finished, it will be the world's largest sculpture.

 

Below is the model of what will be the finished sculpture stet against the mountain

AL QAIDA
OFFICE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN
CAVE 7422, TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN
INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

To all Jihadists,

Subject: The Cave (do not distribute outside the Organization)

Hi guys.

We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight the infidels in this New Year, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation (a health and safety issue), so we need to sweep the cave daily.

I've done my bit on the cleaning - rota .. have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address. But when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third - food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently. I clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration - that's all I'm saying.

Fourth, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ozzy, ozzy, ozzy, oi, oi, oi" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth - graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall - it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth, the use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam - the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future (with donkeys, there is a grey area).

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

In the year 1956, "the Dutch graphic artist M.C. Escher made an lithograph with the title 'Print Gallery'. It shows a young man viewing a print in an exhibition gallery. Amongst the buildings depicted on the print, he sees paradoxically the very same gallery that he is standing in."
The term was coined by the poet and columnist Nico Scheepmaker at the end of the 1970s. It is named after Droste, a Dutch brand of cocoa, whose box has a picture of a lady carrying a serving tray with a cup of hot chocolate and a box of the same brand of cocoa.

Consumers are looking forever new experiences on their dinner plates and colour features very large in their desire for different things.
While traditionalists may not like the unusual colours, it is not the first time that plant growers have changed the appearance of vegetables.
Until the 17th century most carrots eaten in Europe were white, yellow or purple. The orange pigment was added by Dutch plant growers looking for a way to celebrate Holland's royal family.

Orange,green and purple Cauliflowers

Sweet potatoes:

Red potatoes, all red potatoes, all blue potatoes, purple potatoes:
Red potatoes have more sugar & less starch. All red potatoes have beautiful red skins & are pink inside. Purple potatoes (Blue Potatoes or Delta Blues) truly are naturally purple! All blue potatoes are similar to the Purple Potatoes & have the very same powerful antioxidant that gives blueberries their brilliant colour.

Red Bananas

Pink  banana.

ornamental peppers

Black  radish.

Mountain Sweet Yellow Watermelon

Blood oranges.

Yellow-raspberries.

White asparagus

White pumpkins

Red okra

Black tomatoes

White tomatoes

White eggplant/Aubergine

Pink Corn on the cob

Purple/white/yellow/black carrots

Black Rice

Red  Rice

Yellow Kiwi Fruit


Red and White beetroot

Lemon cucumber

Red pineapple

Chard

Black Mint

Black Beans

 

 

The Cheap alternative from Monopoly

This last one is dedicated to Elliegant  X

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair; and just maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a
beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home
and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He has
survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone
Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:

www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island

:www.penisland.net

Need a therapist?

www.therapistfinder.com

Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

www.molestationnursery.com

New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen?

www.powergenitalia.com

Kids growing out of their clothes? Just check out

www.kidsexchan10. webone.com.au

http://webone.com.au

I’m very happy for you but the ladies don’t really like it when you say you’re boning…what’s that you say? Web One? My mistake.

potsofart.com

http://www.potsofart.com

Oh, Pots of Art… people do like artsy pots more than pots full of farts.

daleshitchinstation.com

http://www.daleshitchinstation.com

Poor Ol’ Dale. Stuck with the worst nickname in history and he goes and names his station after it. I’m not even gonna ask how he got the “shit chin”.

teacherstalk.co.uk

http://www.teacherstalk.co.uk

Remember that hot drama teacher from High School? Ever wonder where she is now? Do you want to know what she’s wearing and whom she’s with at this moment? Then seek help…this is a website for teachers who want to talk. No stalkers allowed!

wtf.org

http://www.wtf.org

WTF indeed! I had no idea there was a World Taekwondo Federation. Please don’t kick me.

goredforwomen.org

http://www.goredforwomen.org

There are a lot of things I’d do for women but goring is at the top of the list of things I won’t.

accesstherapist.com

http://www.accesstherapist.com

Not sure why I’d want to access the rapist, in fact I would like to stay as far away as I can, thank you very much.

dollarsexchange.com

http://www.dollarsexchange.com

Sounds like a good deal for a sex change but then again, you get what you pay for.

"Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity.

www.whorepresents.com

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com and

www.therapistunlimited.com

And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,

www.molestationnursery.com

And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their Web site, www.speedofart.com

webone.com.au

http://webone.com.au

I’m very happy for you but the ladies don’t really like it when you say you’re boning…what’s that you say? Web One? My mistake.

potsofart.com

http://www.potsofart.com

Oh, Pots of Art… people do like artsy pots more than pots full of farts.
daleshitchinstation.com

http://www.daleshitchinstation.com

Poor Ol’ Dale. Stuck with the worst nickname in history and he goes and names his station after it. I’m not even gonna ask how he got the “shit chin”.
teacherstalk.co.uk

http://www.teacherstalk.co.uk

Remember that hot drama teacher from High School? Ever wonder where she is now? Do you want to know what she’s wearing and whom she’s with at this moment? Then seek help…this is a website for teachers who want to talk. No stalkers allowed!

wtf.org

http://www.wtf.org

WTF indeed! I had no idea there was a World Taekwondo Federation. Please don’t kick me.

goredforwomen.org

http://www.goredforwomen.org

There are a lot of things I’d do for women but goring is at the top of the list of things I won’t.

mp3shits.com

http://mp3shits.com

I have a lot of downloaded music but why would anyone want to listen to bowel movements?

accesstherapist.com

http://www.accesstherapist.com

Not sure why I’d want to access the rapist, in fact I would like to stay as far away as I can, thank you very much.

gotahoe.com

http://www.gotahoe.com

As a matter of fact I don’t but thanks for asking Mr. Pimp. Oops, I mean Tahoe is very nice this time of year.

For all Who Work with Rude Customers, (shame WE can't actually do this!)
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention pleases, May I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)

'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

Trauma…Psychological trauma but what does it really mean…having served in the Army and the police I have had to deal with Psychological trauma, dealing with some quite horrific events. I have seen people shot, blown up, I have dealt with sudden deaths, cot deaths murders violent attacks, bombing victims and the list goes on…

The after effects of every incident is something that I and my colleagues have learned to deal with and to a small extent, begun to understand the process that we have to go through …however I have noticed that people I know, acquaintances and friends, who in their everyday life don’t often have to deal with or witness such events, they are fortunately mostly infrequent in most peoples lives.

But when it does happen I can see the confusion in their faces as they struggle to deal with the emotions and consequences of what they have witnessed…it maybe a fatal accident or they may have been attacked or robbed or seen a child badly hurt burgled verbally abused, ….and it has come to my notice that there is no explanation available to them to help them through the process….

So I thought I would share with you the emotions and mind set that emergency worker goes through every time they deal with such things….Why …because I have realised that your everyday person who hopefully, only having to deal with such things rarely, can be confused and ashamed by what they are thinking and disturbed by what they are feeling.

I can start out by telling you that what you go through is very normal and everyone goes through it no matter how many times it occurs and will affect you to varying degrees

I will give you a typical example…you are out in the street shopping or walking you see a child running towards the road..you see the car and start to shout, then everything slows down as the child runs into the road and is struck by the car. Then everything speeds up there is shouting people running to help. You do what you can .. The police and ambulance turn up and suddenly it is over, your name and address is taken and your told that the police will visit you to take a statement, and the next thing you’re alone walking …you forget where!!....

The incident can be anything a major event or a minor event, it matters not, because now you are going to start the process…your mind is replaying the events you see it happen again and again ..but each time you change it slightly.

On one occasion you run and dive saving the child another you manage to stop the vehicle in time and the child runs off safely or you save their life by giving first aid varying from mouth to mouth to stoping the bleeding but in every scenario you save the child…but the reality comes back that he is dead and there was nothing that you could do …you beat yourself up thinking “if only I hadn’t chatted with Mrs. smith I would have been close to him and stopped him running out…your partner,wife,friend,mate,sister comes home and you tell them all about it you explain how you could do nothing and they reassure you that you couldn’t. But the guilt is creeping in, you know that you could not have done anything ..but still there is a nagging guilt…

You go to bed exhausted but the flashbacks keep coming the different scenarios keep replaying and every time you save the child…you get up you try to talk to someone but stop yourself as you think they will be annoyed at being woken or think you are being stupid….surly no one else thinks like this surly it means that I am weak or different maybe this is the start of a break down.….You don’t tell anyone,… you keep it in, but you are tired you resent the person closest to you for not knowing what your feeling you snap at them …Oh they ask you if your ok ..you always say yes …after all no one else feels like you do.
Every night you have these dreams but they start to fade and you start to block the memories ..But suddenly the police have come to take the statement and it all comes rushing back …you hold back tears, the policeman asks if your ok..and you always say yes…after a time it fades and you get on with life but it is there and can come back at anytime, the screech of breaks the scream of a playing child….how can you make this go away how can you help this fade how can you adjust so you can live comfortably with it???

You hear of policeofficers who have stopped a little old lady having just pulled out onto the road he stops her and ignores her explanations and gives her a £60 pound ticket…bastard!! Everyone says ..they don’t realise that that particular policeman has in the past attended a road traffic accident where the passenger has gone trough the window having taken off half their face, he/she has dealt with an accident where three teenagers died in a crash where the vehicle was only doing 28 miles an hour but the passengers in the bac,k due to having no seat belts have smashed into the ones in the front smashing open their heads . the copper had held one of them as they died…Every time he then sees a person with no seat belt the memories will come back and I can tell you that you could be the prime minister or the pope you will get a ticket every time .. a simplistic example I know but is true.

Firstly you need to know that everyone involved will go through the same thing to varying degrees everyone will play the scene through their minds to try to see a happy outcome…everyone involved will think that they are the only ones affected by it everyone does not realise they are suffering from Trauma.

Having witnessed been involved with many traumas I understand that this process is normal and natural …this helps me to talk to others about it . Back at the canteen we will go over the details each understanding that everyone is doing the same thing ..it is re assuring to know that your not alone and your not going mad…sure we all put on some sort of front and we look for the tell tell signs that show that someone needs a bit more help …we will often go for counselling…which is again just sharing your thoughts being re assured that it is a coping mechanism…

So if any of you should be involved in an event that brings on what I have described, well talk to those close to you talk to someone it is part of the coping process, tell them how you feel, get it out and share it. It does fade and you will adjust the events that make you feel like this are endless so don’t dismiss them as petty…

One of my jobs is a body recovery officer and often people say doesn’t it affect you I say….I never say no I just say … Not yet.

I have only touched on the subject and maybe it makes no sense as the effects can have little twists and turns and the depth of what the mind can do is infinite, things I haven’t mentioned like the “Black humour” effect,
such as the prime and proper Policewoman who is at the scene of a suicide where a man has thrown himself at the train four officers are looking at him lying there with his legs sliced off for a split second no one moves or speaks ..she looks up and says “ He is quite a short bloke then” and immediately is horrified by what she has said as are the others that start giggling at her words. The process has begun…

If anyone is interested I can tell you about an event where someone was badly affected by an event to the extent where he could not stop crying and when we discovered why we were both amazed and wiser.

For those of you who have got to the end of this post I thank you

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Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a
mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's
daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having
an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since
I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

******

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear,
check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all
grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Walter

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthday of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no Emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.</SPAN>

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called Mother!

CUTE ALERT

YOU WERE WARNED

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Work is the curse of the working class
The rich just bide their time
Work gives riches to all but me
The rich just get by fine

Work is the cures of the working class
The ratio is not clear
The rich get most of all that’s earnt
The worker just little I fear

The worker is not a happy soul
The rich sit back in glee
And if they get but half a chance
they’ll take everything from me

If I get rich I would like to think
That wealth I would want to share
But something tells me when you’re rich
You never seem to care

So all I ask is half a chance
To prove that theory wrong
Give me half a million quid
And see how I get along

No’ give me two’ no give me three
Sod it give me four
Just look what happens when you’re rich
You’re always wanting more

So maybe work will keep me down
My feet firm on the floor
I have my wife my health my kids
Who could ask for more.

History is full of amazing and sometimes bizarre coincidences that give us pause and keep us scratching our heads in wonder. Here is just a small sampling:

Coincidental Death

This is a similar story of coincidence, not of twins but of two brothers. In 1975, while riding a moped in Bermuda, a man was accidentally struck and killed by a taxi. One year later, this man's bother was killed in the very same way. In fact, he was riding the very same moped. And to stretch the odds even further, he was struck by the very same taxi driven by the same driver - and even carrying the same passenger

Swapped Hotel Finds

In 1953, television reporter Irv Kupcinet was in London to cover the coronation of Ellizabeth II. In one of the drawers in his room at the Savoy he found found some items that, by their identification, belonged to a man named Harry Hannin. Coincidentally, Harry Hannin - a basketball star with the famed Harlem Globetrotters - was a good friend of Kupcinet's. But the story has yet another twist. Just two days later, and before he could tell Hannin of his lucky discovery, Kupcinet received a letter from Hannin. In the letter, Hannin told Kucinet that while staying at the Hotel Meurice in Paris, he found in a drawer a tie - with Kupcinet's name on it! (Mysteries of the Unexplained)

Paging Mr. Bryson

While on a business trip sometime in the late 1950s, Mr. George D. Bryson stopped and registered at the Brown Hotel in Louisville, Kentucky. After signing the register and being given his key to room 307, he stopped by the mail desk to see if any letters had arrived for him. Indeed there was a letter, the mail girl told him, and handed him an envelope addressed to Mr. George D. Bryson, room 307. This wouldn't be so odd accept the letter was not for him, but for room 307's just-previous occupant - another man named George D. Bryson. (Incredible Coincidence, Alan Vaughan)

The Vengeful Bullet

Henry Ziegland thought he had dodged fate. In 1883, he broke off a relationship with his girlfriend who, out of distress, committed suicide. The girl's brother was so enraged that he hunted down Ziegland and shot him. The brother, believing he had killed Ziegland, then turned his gun on himself and took his own life. But Ziegland had not been killed. The bullet, in fact, had only grazed his face and then lodged in a tree. Ziegland surely thought himself a lucky man. Some years later, however, Ziegland decided to cut down the large tree, which still had the bullet in it. The task seemed so formidable that he decided to blow it up with a few sticks of dynamite. The explosion propelled the bullet into Ziegland's head, killing him. (Ripley's Believe It or Not!)

Childhood Returned

While American novelist Anne Parrish was browsing bookstores in Paris in the 1920s, she came upon a book that was one of her childhood favorites - Jack Frost and Other Stories. She picked up the old book and showed it to her husband, telling him of the book she fondly remembered as a child. Her husband took the book, opened it, and on the flyleaf found the inscription: "Anne Parrish, 209 N. Weber Street, Colorado Springs." It was Anne's very own book. (While Rome Burns, Alexander Wollcott)

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense..)

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind'!)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(>From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)

The owners of Chilli, a black and white Friesian steer, believe he may be the tallest bovine in Britain. Naomi Clarke, care manager of the Ferne Animal Sanctuary in Chard, Somerset, who raised the bullock, said: “As he was growing up we began noticing that he was bigger than our other cattle. ”He now stands at 6ft 6ins from the floor to the top of his shoulder and he is massive when he holds his head up.” Despite his size, Miss Clarke described him as being “very friendly and gentle.” The steer grazes on grass during the day and enjoys the occasional swede as a treat.

A farmer abandoned him and his twin sister Jubilee on the sanctuary's doorstep in September 1999, when he was six days old. The sanctuary named him Chilli because it already had a cow called Chutney. He would normally have been on a farm and slaughtered for meat at an early age. But because he has been in a sanctuary he has lived to the age of nine. Miss Clarke said: “As the years passed we noticed he was getting rather tall. ”Although he weighs over a ton he is quite lean and not as fat as some of his companions. We don't know what has made him so tall. He doesn't eat that much and Jubilee is 6ft in comparison. His feet and head are in proportion; he is just very large.” Balancing him on a set of scales would need 16 St Bernard dogs; 12 newborn elephants; five adult gorillas; or 1.5 Smart cars.

He could provide 5,510 8 oz steaks. The sanctuary has referred Chilli's details to Guinness World Records in the hope that it might claim a record. Guinness World Records said it was researching the application.

As of November last year, the record for the tallest oxen is Fiorino, an Italian ox who measured 6 ft 8 in to the withers. The largest cow on record was an American Holstein-Durham cross named Mount Katahdin, which stood at 6 ft 2 in and had a girth measuring 13 ft. The cow died in a barn fire in 1923.

In Torquay, Victoria, Australia a 10 year old German Shorthaired Pointer/Wirehaired Pointer mix, named Rex made quite a discovery while on a walk with his owner Leonie Allan. Early in the morning Rex and Leonie headed out on their usual walk and discovered that a female kangaroo had been struck and killed by a car. Later on in the afternoon Rex returned to the body and gently retrieved what no one knew was there - a 4 month old joey! Rex carried the baby by the neck in such a nurturing way that the little guy was unharmed."The joey was snuggling up to him, jumping up to him and Rex was sniffing and licking him - it was quite cute", said Allan.