A Laugh and a Smile

Peaceful scene

Life does not match fiction!!

Clever picture!

I'm not asleep...just resting my eyes!

Simple idea ..clever result

i just like bison..thats all

For god sake no one shout BANG!!

 

 

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied..
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me.. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of those '

Dooh!!

A tired Puddy Tat!

On balance this is a good Photo

The ultimate sign of global warming!!

any bloke/woman brave enough to wear it!!

The good old days

Natural spotlight!!

I could do with that bench today Phew!!

Dont mess with us!!

Got to be a womans keyboard !!

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee:

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous” yes".

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions. And if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life
would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house and your car."
"The sand is everything else---the small stuff"" If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with your grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18 holes .There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled and said, "I'm glad you asked."

"The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem,there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

The wedding night should be interesting...Not!!!

No-one could drink that much mate!!!

Picture paints a thousand words

Cat burgler caught!


Hells Angels have Chapters all over the world!!

Just right for pool side parties.

Paws for thought!

The Stimulus Package Explained

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism..

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today

1. Jackson's Billie Jean was the first video by a black artist to air on MTV.

2. Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem South Carolina on My Mind, recorded by Hank Martin and Buzz Arledge.

3. Jackson's waxwork features in five Madame Tussauds museums across the world. Only Elvis Presley and Madonna have more Tussaud figures - they have six each.

4. Jackson's total lifetime earnings from royalties, solo recordings and music videos, revenue from concerts and endorsements have been estimated at $500 million (#271 million).

5. Jackson has two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame: one for radio play, located at 1541 Vine Street, and one for recording at 6927 Hollywood Boulevard.

6. Jackson received a Presidential Humanitarian Award from Ronald Reagan in 1984 for his support of charities helping people overcome alcohol and drug abuse.

7. Michael Jackson was the seventh of nine children.

8. Jackson fought fellow 50 year old Madonna on MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch - he lost.

9. Three of Jackson's albums - Bad, Dangerous and Thriller - are among the bestsellers of all time.

10. Thriller remains the biggest-selling album since records began.

11. Jackson has sold more than 300 million records worldwide.

12. Jackson wore his trademark black armband to remind fans of the suffering of children around the world.

13. Jackson's favourite superhero was Morph from the X-Men.

14.Jackson picked up his iconic moonwalk moves, which he debuted at the Motown 25th Anniversary show in 1983, from streetdancers he spotted performing outside a hotel.

15. MC Hammer once challenged Jackson to a dance-off. He was told to Beat It. Jackson reportedly responded, "I've seen your videos and every single dance move you use, you got off of me."

16. Little Richard wanted Jackson to play him in a biopic.

17. Bubbles the chimp and Ben the rat are two of Jackson's most famous pets, but he also befriended a ram called Mr Tibbs, a python called Crusher and Louie the llama.

18. An obsessed French Jackson superfan committed suicide in 1984 after his mother refused to allow him to undergo surgery to look like the star.

19. In 1984, a U.S. library accused Jackson of owing it over $1 million in overdue book fines. Officials said they would scrap the fines if he returned the books autographed.

20. Jackson dedicated his 1997 Blood On The Dancefloor album to Sir Elton John.

21. Jackson was a vegetarian.

22. Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as a member of The Jackson 5 on May 6, 1997. He was inducted as a solo artist on March 19, 2001.

23. Jackson once dated Brooke Shields and Tatum O'Neal.

24. Jackson has several media nicknames. They include The Gloved One, Wacko Jacko, Jacko, The King of Pop, and MJ. Close friends call him Smelly!

25. Jackson's music video for Thriller was voted the greatest music video of all time in a recent Channel 4 (UK) poll.

26. Jackson won an MTV Movie Award for Best Movie Song in 1994 for his song Will You Be There from the movie Free Willy.

27. The Scream music video Jackson made with sister Janet is the most expensive promo ever made, costing more than $7 million (#3.8 million).

28. Jackson's double album HIStory is the biggest selling double album ever released in the U.S.

29. Jackson's Blood on the Dance Floor is the biggest selling re-mix album of all time.

30. Jackson really is a King in West Africa - he was given a royal title by villagers in Gabon, Ivory Coast in 1992.

31. Jackson's pre-concert ritual includes drinking Ricola candy dissolved in hot water. He claims the beverage helps to keep his throat and his singing voice clear.

32. Jackson owns the patent for a stage shoe device that allows performers to lean forward and appear to defy gravity.

33. Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana in 1958. The town is planning a tribute museum to the pop superstar.

34. Movie star Macauley Culkin is godfather to Jackson's two eldest children, Paris and Prince Michael.

35. Culkin helped Jackson design the amusement park at his Neverland Valley Ranch home in California.

36. Lisa Marie Presley's former brother-in-law and his wife were the witnesses at her Dominican Republic wedding to Jackson in 1994.

37. Jackson shares the record for the most Grammy Awards won in one year with Carlos Santana and Norah Jones - they each won eight.

38. Jackson co-wrote charity anthem We Are The World with Lionel Richie.

39. Jackson is godfather to Nicole Richie, Bee Gees star Barry Gibb's son Michael, and Oliver star Mark Lester's kids.

40. Jackson and brother Tito were best men at Liza Minnelli and David Gest's wedding.

41. Jackson's performance during the 1993 SuperBowl half-time show drew the largest TV audience in American history.

42. The directors of Jackson's videos have included Martin Scorsese, John Singleton and John Landis.

43. In 1999 Jackson paid $1.5 (#810,000) for the 1939 Best Picture Oscar, which was presented to producer David O. Selznick for Gone With The Wind.

44. Jackson appeared on a postage stamp in the Virgin Islands in the mid-1980s after locals voted him the superstar they'd most like to honour.

45. An extensive 1997 survey declared Jackson was the Most Famous Person in the World.
46. Jackson helped plan neighbour Gregory Peck's funeral.

47. Jackson once described close friend Elizabeth Taylor as "a warm cuddly blanket that I love to snuggle up to and cover myself with.”

48. Jackson provided a voice-over on The Simpsons - but it remained a secret for 12 years. He voiced a character in a mental institution in the Stark Raving Dad episode, which aired in 1991, but, because of a contractual problem, Jackson had to be credited as John Jay Smith. His contribution to the classic cartoon series remained a rumour among fans until The Simpsons creator Matt Groening confirmed it really was Jackson when the episode was released on DVD in 2003.

49. Jackson shares the same birthday as U.S. Republican presidential candidate John McCain, who turns 72 today. Other celebrities who share Jackson's birthday include moviemakers Sir Richard Attenborough and William Friedkin, and actresses Rebecca DeMornay and Carla Gugino.

50. Jackson's comeback plans were scuppered by a new online poll - 71 per cent of 59,000 people voting on website PopEater.com answered `Not a chance' to the question 'Can the King of Pop make a comeback?'

Beautiful creature.

Early morning swim!!

Now if all my lessons had been like that!!!

Awwwwww!

Re-set to original manufactured default settings!

Room with a view

stupid but funny!


Mummys little helper

Chic Chicks

Now thats my kinda storm trooper

just call me Bob

I have been hung out to dry sob!!

So you dont forget whose who in the family

There's always one.... Tut!!!

Ya dont scare me sunshine!!

Leave me alone I want to get some sleep!

I am one wet pissed off bird

Mothers Pride

Ernest Hemingway was once prodded to compose a complete story in six words. His answer, personally felt to be his best prose ever, was "

"For sale: baby shoes, never used."

Some people say it was to settle a bar bet. Others say it was a personal challenge directed at other famous authors.

Can you write a six word story and post it in the comments?

Like a regiment of soldiers

Sleeping like a log!

Hmmm will it fit in my mouth

Awsome puddy tat!

call me cute and I will have yer eyes out

dont disturb my Breakfast

who says horses cant have a mullet??

Lets not fight huh!!

now thats what I call flapping!

simple and informative

Can one woman satisfy 12 men at the same time?? 

warning only scroll down if you really want the answer

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You need a head for heights for this stroll

Onions...get your young onions!

Hey Hammy do ya think they've seen use??

Some light at the end of the tunnel.

Peek a Boo

we like donkeys!!...Cute

The half and half cat!

have a real doggy kiss!!

Cute ...just cute!

What do ya mean you can see me!??

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her make up, under the
watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times
before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little
one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I
will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing
the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, sixty two. My
grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at
one?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed
into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As
she heard the children getting more and more out of control, her
patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and
stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her
own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a
swing made from a tyre; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode
our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was
wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd got to
know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do
you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I
said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't
read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours
yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what
colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for
me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma,
I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we
kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I
did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are
coming after us with torches."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine
says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her
grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies
today.." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep
her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add
'es'."

11.. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public
servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down
the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young
boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12.. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their
home one day when a fire engine zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing
the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought
the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find
the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he
said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get
her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the
airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good
things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas
leaks, and they blame their dog.

Not my tipple of choice

Love me, Love my pig!

Come on we have saved a space for you!

Hmmm I wonder if the metal detecter went off

Cute ...just soooo Cute

Early Morning wind!!...we all get it!

"You look a little horse"

A long way for short legs.

"Come on just play for a while"!!

8...9...10...Here I come ready or not

Right boys this is the plan.....


No thanks i would rather go without

Gets the message across

Nothing new here!

Remember when!

Whats the point!

wish I could stop it!

And we worry about squirrels!

Brave little spuggie! Usky's hero

Now thats a new one!

Penny for your thoughts

They will be home soon!

I want to be a husky

In touch with your inner self

Knit one pearl two

Be quite or they will find us!

On your marks ..get set.....

A nice splash me thinks.!

Do I eat it or not!

The pillers of time.

Caught 1-1/2 miles offshore while Fishing! ...happened after the fires in Southern CA

What is that?Look in the middle of this photo.

Can it really Be???

 

She was sooo tired and was glad to get into the boat and rest! And yes,she was  turned loose when they got back to shore.Just try beating this Fish Story!

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS.................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HI S WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

For all you women who love firemen, this will make your hearts flutter,
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YUP!

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
02. Nope, no more booze for me.
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
04. Mac Donald's? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. I'm not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

More Nut comments no doubt!!

Clever photo

Big Awww Factor

That seals it, Hes cute!

Spot the birdy

Now I left my basket somewhere around here!

Hmmm I wonder which way the wind blows!

Peek a Boo

Lick me and your dead!!

Cant see the woods for the trees.

Simple scenes can be awsome

Remember just playing in the leaves..what fun

Just got to sleep

Powerful image

nice looking bird

Ying and Yang for brealfast

Cat burglar

Can you see me!!!

Merkats???   I cant see any Bloody Meerkats

swan lake?????

I is Comfy

See! ..a winning hand....Lend us a quid

Yeah OK so I am Cute..

Spot the clever picture!!

OK no jokes about nuts in mouths OK!!

Quick take the photo I cant stay cute for long!!

Birds of a feather..........

Al;l us cats do cute.....

Go on Kid just open the window..just a little..

So I am vermin..I'm still handsome

Like a Bombing run for fish!!

Quite funky..!

Just a big Ahhhh!

Once again cute!!

Now thats what you call going off road!!

you would think someone would empty it!!

Usky on a day out in town!

NO! NO! NO! ..On every level NO!!!

Any way they can make money they will

LMAO

Cocaine drops for toothache

Very popular for children in 1885. Not only they relieved the pain, they made the children happy!

Cocaine tablets (1900)

All stage actors, singers teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to "smooth" the voice.

Maltine

Produced by Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York . It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal. Children should take half a glass.

Bayer's Heroin

A bottle of Bayer's heroin. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to treat children with strong cough.

Opium for new-borns

I'm sure this would make them sleep well (not only the Opium, but 46% alcohol!!!!!)

Coca Wine

Metcalf Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.

Opium for Asthma

No comments

Mariani wine

Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of its time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.

paper weight

A paper weight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne ( Mannheim , Germany ). They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.

And we worry about aspirin for children today???

Who says you cant walk on water????

Not the best job in the world, I have to say!

Unfortunate design!!

You would need more than a shovel for this place

What a load of stars!

Up on the roof where the air is fresh and clear....Not!!

Far above the madening crowd!

And you think your day was bad!!

Dedication to your job!!

The difference in love

Dont you just hate that

You find all sorts beach combing!

Bet there not full!!

Pretty bullet

Accidents happen

Bet you feel safe now!

Only those with a crude mind will snigger *sniggers*

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen. ~Edward de Bono

God gave us memories that we might have roses in December. ~J.M. Barrie, Courage, 1922

Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal

We do not remember days; we remember moments. ~Cesare Pavese, The Burning Brand

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. ~Josh Billings

Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us. ~Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"

I have memories - but only a fool stores his past in the future. ~David Gerrold

Memory itself is an internal rumour. ~George Santayana, The Life of Reason

What we remember from childhood we remember forever - permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen. ~Cynthia Ozick

Memory is what tells a man that his wife's birthday was yesterday. ~Mario Rocco

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, Hallowed Ground

Things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember. ~Seneca

Life is a rough biography. Memories smooth out the edges. ~Dante G. Roque

I am a miser of my memories of you
And will not spend them.
~Witter Bynner, "Coins"

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. ~Michel de Montaigne

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories. ~From the movie An Affair to Remember

It's surprising how much memory is built around things unnoticed at the time. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

I'm always fascinated by the way memory diffuses fact. ~Diane Sawyer

To look backward for a while is to refresh the eye, to restore it, and to render it the more fit for its prime function of looking forward. ~Margaret Fairless Barber, The Roadmender

Envy starts at a young age

May the force be with you

When you have to go !!!!!!!

Clever desk top background

Bats ...yes thousands of bats!!

How can ya call me vermin??

Not the brightest sparks on the Road

Hmmm I wonder what time it is.

Niagra falls

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Ta ke a nap.

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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION...

Eat and drink what you like.

Apparently, speaking English is what kills you!!

PLEASE READ FIRST!!!!

If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed' category,

and you also have a small child please take this as a warning.

Don't leave your dog with the child unattended under any circumstances!

Only a little moment was enough for the following to happen...

See the attached photo:
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A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told
Only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office.
He uses it as a ceiling fan.'