A Laugh and a Smile

With my kids!!! thats what I need

How to stay single

Apt Graffiti

Not quite a good look!!

Should clean the toilet then

How not to pull!!

Snigger

Not quite dedicated to the protest

Well its memorable.

Dont cross a woman

Ouch!!!

anchors away

mischeif maker

absent minds

It had to happen one day

Fair enough

Indeed I did

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand In front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts..

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years." my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ARSE didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man!

Not helpfull!!

Bet some of you girls know him!!

Mac Caviar burger!!

hell hath no fury.....

Informative T-Shirt

Tree conservation at its best!!

Only time will tell if it was a hoax

You cant argue with that statement

I hadn't noticed  (cough)

I thought this warning was very IMPORTANT, so I am passing it

on to everyone I know.

Please pass it on to the people you care about, relatives, friends
It is important they be aware of this danger.

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

never

Ever

Ever

Ever.. ...

....fart in a Diving suit

Clever collage (uskey you should have a go!)

In the dog house

You can never have enough plugs!!

Would you?

Cheeky chappie!

I iz hiding

Love weathers many storms

That told me

This is how it must seem

Body art!!...cool!

My sort of cafe

Say it as it is!!

free expression

I aint scared of no bikers

Divers rest

Ok!! who can't name the song???

life can be like this

Uskeys Gate

Wait toill I find you!!

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

********************
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

********************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

********************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

********************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,
ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

*********************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

********************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

********************
Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'

*********************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

********************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

*******************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, scre aming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

'Wasn't I married to you once?'

What to do with your old crockery!!

Clever snap

Nature books!!

Rubics sandwich

Not a clever bloke!!!

Simple and to the point

Adaption is the way forward!

Not gonna be the best display!

Can't see it catching on!

That explains that then!

Hairdryer through customs

Getting a hairdryer through customs....

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Heavy load!!

Cards that you can share

The bypass specials

Heart of stone

For the man in your life

the analagy of work


says it all

Would you go out??

Dedicated workman!!

So whats for tea??

Dont you just hate it when this happens

Hmmmm hight of fashion!!!

Elf and safety

Quick fix

I dont think so!!

Well thats straight forward

Adapt and survive

warms the cockles of your heart

Kisses are for everyone!

True love

Watch out for showers

How much is that doggy in the window

Kids a play

Mothers love

Its good to be happy

Lost in translatioin.

Easily fixed


How to spot when your not welcome

Clever photo

Ahhhh!

Cute

Double cute

One for the ladies!! ..as if they would be interested!

Mirror image

You play the hand your dealt

Close to the edge

Laid right back

Wonder whos number it is

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be twelve again,' she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a 'Happy Meal' with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets..........M&M's

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over to his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant dress size,you idiot!!!'