A Laugh and a Smile

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1)when they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that
--Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this:
If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

And the No 1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

What a brilliant idea this is. At least women can feel safe now.

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours, the Cardiff  City Council has established a "Women Only" car park at the new St David’s Shopping Centre. Even the attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. 

Below is the first picture available of this world-first, women-only car park in Wales . 

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These pictures were taken at Cooyar, west of  Kingaroy, Queensland, last week.  It took a total of 5 hours for the snake to finish off the Goanna. As you can see, they put some Markers up so it couldn't be run over.

 

Now thats what you call a meal!!!!!

Look at these! Any idea what they are??

Pens with cameras?. tape recorders?  Guess again

Pens that are miniture robots perhaps!!!

 

Don't bother saving your lap top for the grand kids they wont need it!!!!

 

The future is here today!

 

Tom's scrotum.

 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

 

 

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

 

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

 

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they  were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 

 

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

 

All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Afghans made to see saw until they talk.

Child bites soldier in retaliation!

Prisoners tickled until they talk!

Soldier attempts to eat afghan child!

Children forced into working!

Children crushed till they talk!

Prisoners hung by their finger tips!

NO COMMENT  Just tears

 

Never forget the troops!

A lone young Belgian boy is waiting to salute the Canadian troops passing by who had been attending a memorial service.

Such class from the Canadian troops - watch what they do for this little boy.

The "Eyes Right" command is the biggest compliment troops on parade can pay and is reserved for dignitaries in reviewing stands.

Every now and then something just makes you smile!!!

Would sir prefer the middle seat???

You mean its not women's football?????

Secure parking guaranteed!!

These chair backs are very comfy!!

I am A king!!


Yeah So I'm Tired...Leave me alone!!



It's all about first impressions

What do you mean TRIM THE BOAT!!!

Bald? Bald?? what do you mean BALD!!!

I don't care how long you have been teaching Yoga...GEY YOUR HANDS OFF!!

I Don't care I think there sexy

Keep your headlights clear with car wax! Just wipe ordinary car wax on your headlights. It contains special water repellents that will prevent that messy mixture from accumulating on your lights - lasts 6 weeks.

Squeak-proof your wipers with rubbing alcohol! Wipe the wipers with a cloth saturated with rubbing alcohol or ammonia. This one trick can make badly streaking & squeaking wipers change to near perfect silence & clarity

Ice-proof your windows with vinegar! Frost on it's way? Just fill a spray bottle with three parts vinegar to one part water & spritz it on all your windows at night. In the morning, they'll be clear of icy mess. Vinegar contains acetic acid, which raises the melting point of water---preventing water from freezing!

Prevent car doors from freezing shut with cooking spray! Spritz cooking oil on the rubber seals around car doors & rub it in with a paper towel  The cooking spray prevents water from melting into the rubber


Fog-proof your windshield with shaving cream! Spray some shaving cream on the inside of your windshield & wipe if off with paper towels. Shaving cream has many of the same ingredients found in commercial defoggers.


De-ice your lock in seconds with hand sanitizer! Just put some hand sanitizer gel on the key & the lock & the problems solved!

 

If World War One was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

It took me a while to see what they were looking at

  

 

 

WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac

with big Breasts who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shite.

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess."

MY RESIMAY 

To hoom it Mae  cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job  what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type  realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a  counting.

I think I am good on the  fone and I no I am a pepole  person..

I no my speling is note  too god

My  salerery is open, I kin start vry soone

Fank  yoo in advanse fore yore  anser.

Tiffanny

PS  : Becauze my resimay is a bit  short

I sent a pickture of  me

Dear Tiffany

It's OK Honey, We've got spell check

You start on Monday!!!!!

THE FINAL INSPECTION

The soldier stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.

'Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you ?
Have you always turned the other cheek ?
To My Church have you been true?'

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.

There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.

'Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well..
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell.'

Author Unknown~

It's the Soldier, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the Press.
It's the Soldier, not the poet who has given us the freedom of speech.
It's the Soldier, not the politicians that ensures our right to Life, Liberty , and the pursuit of Happiness.
It's the Soldier, that salutes the flag, that serves beneath it, who's coffins are draped by it