Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you won’t be picking anything else up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
You may think that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular bloke, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the film, you should not be dating my daughter. She is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Firth of Forth Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like cleaning my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
- Films with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
- Rugby games are okay.
- Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. My daughter is most precious to me and you have a lot more years to live than I have. I have done most of the things that I have wanted to do with my life you have done none, Even if convicted Life only means I will do only about 10 years.

NOTE: If you still have the guts to date my daughter, complete the “Permission to date my daughter” application BELOW.

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, current medical report from your doctor and personal recommendation from your clergy.

NAME______________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT________ IQ______ GPA_________
NATIONAL INSURANCE No #___________
DRIVERS LICENSE #__________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS____________________ CITY/COUNTY___________ POST CODE______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________
If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUEAPPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend
___________________________________________________
How often you attend
________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
____________________________________________________
C: A woman’s place is in the:
____________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
(Note if your answer starts with A or T your application is rejected
____________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, .

Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
____________________ _____________________
Mother’s Signature Father’s Signature
____________________ _____________________
Pastor/Priest/

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. ( you might watch your back)
NOTE: Do NOT apply if you haven’t read the rules